Selen Dar

Muscle-Building Workout and Diet


[laughter]>>I THINK I’M DYING.>>CRAIG. YEAH, WAY TO GO.>>THE ONLY THING WORSE THAN LIFTING WITH YOUR BACK IS SPOTTING WITH YOUR KNEES. DO YOU REALLY NEED A SPOTTER? YOU CAN EITHER BENCH IT, OR YOU CAN’T. I PREFER NOT TO HAVE SOMEONE TEABAGGING ME, GETTING ME ALL HORNY WHILE I LIFT, BRO. THAT WAS ZACK AND CRAIG, AND WHILE THE INTERNATIONAL WEIGHTLIFTING FEDERATION MIGHT NOT HAVE CONSIDERED THAT A GOOD LIFT, IT LOOKED PERFECT TO ME. A SHREDDED BODY IS THE ONLY WAY TO DISTRACT WOMEN FROM YOUR SUB PAR PERSONALITY IF YOU DON’T HAVE MONEY. PUMPING IRON IS FOR CONVICTED FELONS OR PRO ATHLETES, WHICH IS A BIT REDUNDANT THESE DAYS. I’M HAPPY HAVING THE PHYSIQUE OF A FERRET. MY STRATEGY HAS ALWAYS BEEN ZERO WEIGHT AND NO REPS. I DON’T HAVE THE FRAME FOR WEIGHTLIFTING. WHICH IS A POLITE WAY OF SAYING I’M OVER 5’8″. WHY WOULD I WASTE MY LIFE REPEATEDLY PICKING UP HEAVY THINGS AT A GYM? YOU ONLY NEED TO BE STRONG ENOUGH TO OPEN A JAR. EVERYTHING AFTER THAT IS SHOWING OFF. IF YOU LIKE GETTING STAPH INFECTIONS AND LOOKING AT YOURSELF IN A MIRROR SO MUCH, MOVE INTO A FUNHOUSE. AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR YOU LADIES. THERE’S A FINE LINE BETWEEN JESSICA ALBA AND JESSICA BIEL. IF I THINK YOU COULD BEAT ME UP, I AM NOT LETTING YOU IN MY HOUSE. BUT IF ZACH AND CRAIG WANT TO GET JACKED, I’LL FLY THEM TO HOLLYWOOD, WHERE PEOPLE WHO WORK OUT TOO MUCH END UP IN AN EXPENDABLES MOVIE, FOR THIS WEEK’S WEB REDEMPTION.>>HEY, BABY.>>HEY.>>CAN YOU SET ME UP?>>HAPPY TO.>>OH! [bleep] YEAH! ALL RIGHT. I’M GONNA TRY TO HIT THE GYM ON THE WAY TO THE GYM.>>YOU’LL NEVER GET A GIRL LIKE THAT WITH THOSE SISSY LITTLE ARMS. HERE, HAVE A SEAT. OH, [bleep]. WHAT’S YOUR NAME?>>ZACK.>>YOU’RE ZACK, AND YOU’RE CRAIG?>>YEP, THAT’S CORRECT.>>CRAIG, OKAY, WHAT WAS GOING ON DOWN IN YOUR BASEMENT? WE WERE WATCHING THE WINTER OLYMPICS DOWN IN MY BASEMENT.>>DID YOU ENJOY THE WINTER OLYMPICS?>>THEY WERE PRETTY GOOD.>>WHAT WOULD BE YOUR BEST WINTER OLYMPIC SPORT, CRAIG?>>I GOT TO SAY WEIGHTLIFTING.>>WEIGHTLIFTING’S NOT A WINTER OLYMPIC SPORT, CRAIG. YOU’RE DUMB AS [bleep].>>ZACK.>>YES.>>WHAT WOULD BE YOUR BEST WINTER SPORT?>>SEE, I DO SWIMMING, SO…>>OKAY, ZACK, IF YOU HAD TO COMPETE IN THE WINTER OLYMPICS, WHICH EVENT WOULD YOU GO FOR?>>BOBSLEDDING?>>OH, YOU GUYS WOULD DO THAT TWO-MAN SKELETON LUGE THING WHERE YOU LAY ON TOP OF EACH OTHER. OH, THAT’S HOT. SO YOU’RE DOWN IN YOUR BASEMENT. YOU GUYS SAY, “WE’RE GONNA START TRAINING.” HOW’D THAT GO?>>CRAIG WAS–HE WAS KIND OF LIKE MY PERSONAL TRAINER, SO I WENT OVER TO THE WEIGHT BAR.>>YOU DOING CURLS?>>I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF IT–>>CLEAN AND JERK?>>THAT’S THE ONE.>>OKAY, SO YOU GUYS HAVE NO EXPERIENCE AT ALL WORKING OUT.>>NO, NOT REALLY.>>THAT’S–THESE ARE MY KIND OF PEOPLE.>>BASICALLY, ZACK OVER HERE, YOU KNOW–>>CRAIG’S A TOUCHER.>>ZACK OVER HERE, YOU KNOW, GRABS THE BARBELL, PICKS IT UP, AND JUST PRETTY MUCH FALLS OVER.>>THAT’S WHY YOU NEED A SPOTTER, ALWAYS NEED A SPOTTER.>>YEAH, SO THAT’S WHAT I WAS THERE FOR.>>WELL, YOU DIDN’T SPOT HIM. YOU DID A POOR JOB.>>YOU REALLY DIDN’T SPOT ME AT ALL.>>SO I SEE MY BUDDY OVER THERE LAYING–HAVING A HARD TIME BREATHING, SO I WAS LIKE, “I GOT TO SAVE THIS KID’S LIFE.”>>YOU HAD THAT ADRENALINE PUMPING THROUGH YOUR VEINS, BECAUSE YOU SEE YOUR FRIEND ABOUT TO DIE.>>OH, YEAH, SO I RUN OVER THERE, DO MY CLEAN JERK, AND THEN IT WAS ABOVE MY HEAD AND I JUST–JUST KEPT GOING BACK. HE WAS TOO SLOW WAS THE PROBLEM.>>HIS GIRLFRIEND WAS THERE. HE WAS JUST TRYING TO SHOW OFF.>>GIRLFRIEND? AH, YOU DON’T WANT THEM IN THE BASEMENT. DUDES ONLY. THAT’S A MAN CAVE. DID YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL?>>WE JUST ICED IT.>>THEY ACTUALLY CARRIED ME TO THE HOT TUB.>>OKAY, SO YOU WENT ICE, THEN HOT TUB.>>ICY HOT, RIGHT?>>YOU GO COLD AND YOU GO HOT, AND YOU DO INCREMENTS OF THAT. 15 MINUTES, I THINK YOU’RE DONE. WHAT’S A MEMBERSHIP TO CRAIG’S BASEMENT COST?>>A SIX-PACK.>>WERE YOU GUYS DRUNK?>>DEFINE DRUNK.>>HAD YOU GUYS BEEN DRINKING ALCOHOL?>>WE HAD DRANK A FEW BEERS, YEAH.>>I FEEL UNCOMFORTABLE ANSWERING THAT QUESTION.>>BECAUSE OF YOUR AGE?>>MAY–POSSIBLY.>>LISTEN, WHEN YOU’RE WITH ME, I’M ALL FOR BOYS DRINKING. I’LL BE HONEST WITH YOU, A FEW BEERS IN YOUR SYSTEM PROBABLY SAVED YOU, RELAXED YOU A LITTLE BIT.>>THAT’S WHAT WE WERE SAYING, WHEN PEOPLE CRASH AND THEY’RE, YOU KNOW, DRUNK OR WHATEVER, THEY’RE LESS LIKELY TO GET INJURED.>>THE PROBLEM IS THE FAMILY OF FOUR THAT THEY PLOWED INTO WEREN’T–THEY WEREN’T DRUNK. YOU GOT TO STAY HYDRATED, BOYS. YOU GOT TO STAY HYDRATED, BOYS. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?>>HARRY POTTER.>>HARRY POTTER.>>WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?>>YOU DON’T LIKE HARRY POTTER?>>[in British accent] YOU DON’T LIKE HARRY POTTER?>>YOU GUYS JUST IN PRETEND WORLD?>>NO, I’M ACTUALLY AT HOGWARTS.>>WOULD YOU DO STEROIDS?>>IF IT WORKED.>>STEROIDS WORKS. IT CLEARLY WORKS.>>YOUR BALLS SHRINK.>>WHY DO YOU WANT BIG BALLS? YOU WANT TO BE THE DUDE THAT’S KNOWN AS THE GUY WITH HUGE BALLS? WHAT DO YOU DO IN GYM? GIVE ME YOUR ROUTINE.>>I RUN.>>CARDIO IS FOR THOSE INSTAGRAMMIN’ PUSSIES IN CROSSFIT. WHAT’S THE NEXT THING YOU DO?>>I USUALLY DO THE BUTTERFLIES.>>OKAY, SO YOU HAVE NO REAL WORKOUT. YOU GUYS ON A GOOD DIET?>>YEAH.>>WHAT DO YOU EAT?>>SUBS.>>YOU’RE ON THE JARED DIET.>>BUT JIMMY JOHN’S.>>JIMMY JOHN’S. WHEN I ORDER MY JIMMY JOHN’S SUB, I SAY, “LEAVE THE GUTS.” YOU SAY “LEAVE THE GUTS”?>>NO.>>LEAVE THE–LEAVE THE BREAD.>>IT’S CALLED GUTS. ALL THIS TALK’S GOT ME HUNGRY. YOU GUYS LIKE TUNA.>>OH, YEAH.>>I LOVE TUNA.>>LOTS OF PROTEIN. LOTS OF PROTEIN.>>OH, YEAH.>>OH, THAT’S GOOD. MM. WHOO! YOU KNOW HOW YOU KNOW WHEN TUNA’S BAD? YOU DON’T. GUYS, THE ONLY REASON I WORK AT GNC IS BECAUSE THEY LET ME STAY IN THE BASEMENT FOR FREE. BUT SOON I’M GONNA BE OUT OF HERE, BECAUSE I’VE INVENTED A WORKOUT THAT FOCUSES ON THE MILLIONS OF MYSTERY MUSCLES THAT HAVE BEEN IGNORED.>>I WOULD LOVE TO TRY THAT.>>WELL, LET’S HEAD ON DOWNSTAIRS, AND LET’S GET A QUICK PUMP IN ME.>>WHAT?>>I THINK I GOT SOME MORE WORKOUT GEAR THAT’LL FIT YOUR SCRAWNY ASSES. IF ANYONE HAS TO PEE, YOU LET ME KNOW FIRST, OKAY?>>ALL RIGHT.>>YOU NANCY BOYS LOOK GREAT, AND I AM ROCK HARD. WHO’S READY TO GET HUGE?>>LET’S DO IT.>>OKAY, LET’S OIL YOU KIDS UP, GET YOU NICE, THICK, AND VEINY. THERE YOU GO. GO AHEAD. NOW OIL EACH OTHER UP. THAT WAY YOU MAKE SURE YOU GET EVEN COVERAGE. GO AHEAD AND GET EACH OTHER’S BACKS.>>OH, YEAH.>>THERE YOU GO.>>JUST GRABBING A FEW BEFORE PICS TO TAPE TO MY WALL LATER. IN THE BASEMENT, EVERYTHING GOES. NO STUPID GYM RULES. YOU DON’T NEED TO WIPE ANYTHING DOWN. I’D LIKE TO SMELL YOU GUYS WHEN YOU’RE GOING. REMEMBER, BAD FORM USES MORE MUSCLES. THAT IS HORRIBLE FORM. NOTHING’S SEXIER THAN A MAN WITH A STRONG JAW. I’VE SAID IT A MILLION TIMES. SUCK IT UP OR SUCK A [bleep]. THOSE ARE THE RULES. ALL RIGHT, THREE MORE SETS. THIS ONE WORKS THE NECK BONE, WHICH WE ALL KNOW IS CONNECTED TO THE HEAD BONE. YOU CHILDREN LIKE HEAD? PUSH IT. PUSH IT REAL GOOD. THIS ONE CAME TO ME IN A DREAM. WHY DO I DREAM ABOUT BOYS? THAT’S NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. MM, GET ENGORGED. OH, MAN. THAT IS HOT. AT A GYM, YOU HAVE TO WAIT WHEN SOMEONE’S USING THE EQUIPMENT. NOT DOWN HERE. ALL RIGHT, BOYS, YOU READY? LET THE ELECTRICITY DO THE WORK FOR YOU. COME ON, FEEL IT, FEEL IT. FEEL THE VIBRATION.>>AH!>>NOW, AS MUCH AS I LOVE THIS VIEW, HOTTIES, IT’S TIME FOR US TO BURN IT OUT. GRAB YOURSELF AN AXE AND A BLINDFOLD. THIS IS THE ONE THAT’LL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF THOSE FANCY GYMS. I NEED YOU TO KEEP YOUR FEET TOGETHER. THAT’LL IMPROVE AXE SPEED. I CALL THIS EXERCISE: HIT THE LOAD-BEARING POST WITH AN AXE. OH, OKAY. YOU WANT TO HOLD ONTO IT A LITTLE TIGHTER. THAT’S ALL RIGHT, TAKE A SECOND. HERE WE GO. LET ME GET THAT BACK IN YOUR HAND. COME BACK THIS WAY. WATCH YOURSELF, DON’T LEAN INTO THAT AXE. THERE WE GO. OKAY, DON’T WORRY ABOUT THAT. WHOA, DON’T LEAD FORWARD. YOU’LL LOSE YOUR HEAD. YOU GUYS ARE GONNA HAVE SORES TOMORROW.>>[bleep].>>YOU THINK IT HURTS NOW. WAIT TILL DAY TWO. THAT’S WHEN YOU’RE REALLY SORE.

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